I am locked in a room 2 by 2,
Standing with my back against the wall.
There is no light in here,
No entry and no windows.
No escape is possible…
I don’t know how I got here…
So dark, lonely, the only thing floating here is despair and her friend pain.
I try to breathe but I forgot how to do it.
I am scratching at the walls trying to find a way out.
Screaming somebody help me… Nobody seems to hear.
I keep repeating this mantra “It’s just a phase!”,
this will pass but the words are hollow, there is no faith in them.
No believe that there will be better days, it’s a joke!
When will it be better, I keep hitting walls, I keep hurting.
I hear an echo of laughter, mocking me…
The smile on my face, the make-up I wear keeps people from asking or wondering.
See for everybody else I am walking like there is nothing,
nobody sees my room in which I am being held captivated.
I’ve been fighting for better times but they remained absent.
Even love couldn’t numb the pain, I felt.
It brings along a whole other kind of hurts.
And it hurts so much!
Why do I try,
why don’t I give into the despair,
the absence of feelings,
the abyss of sanity.
For who do I try, they all will be better off without me, my mind tells me.
The sick part of my brain keeps taunting me with these kinds of facts.
You can give nothing to no one. They know you’re a sham.
The despair knows my name and keeps on calling, luring me into his web.
There is this lovely void waiting for me.
No pain, no despair, no love, no light but no darkness is there to be found, blissfully nothing…
No cold, no heat… just the absence of all that could be bothering or caring.
I want to be there.
No worries, no cares, just nothing for ever more.
I want to escape my cell, want to feel alive, I scratch at the walls, I want out, it scares me!
I do want happiness and feel love…
I keep scratching at the walls trying to break free, my fingers bleed from all the scratching at the walls…
It’s then when I go dark, I don’t see things clearly no more.
There is so much pain and despair in this little room.
The metallic sent of blood reaches my nose and it makes me want to see more blood.
I start scratching at myself. It hurts but somehow it makes me feel… alive.
It numbs all the other pains that I am fighting against.
The idea forms in my mind, I know where my arteries are and I start picking at them in my neck , my thighs…
it hurts but less than I anticipated.
So I keep on scratching, I start to bleed a lot.
I feel the blood trickling.
It gives me peace.
I can feel life exiting out of my body and then all of a sudden there is light… Almost touchable!
A warm light, a loving light, I want to be there! No pain, no despair, just warmth! The ability of thinking clear has left my body far before the blood rushes out.
Light enters and despair fleets, letting hope in. It numbs the pain, it makes me forget why I was hurting. I know the end is near, mentally I have visited all my dear ones, saying goodbye and telling them I love them but they don’t need to worry about me.
The walls start to break down and finally I see the world as it is.
This beautiful place where I couldn’t find peace.
It breaks my heart.
My heart stops beating, I feel peace… finally and then I hear screams far away…
They are moving my body, I want to scream leave me, it is okay.
I don’t want to be alive but they don’t hear me.
The keep pushing, yelling, crying, fighting … for me?!
My heart is beating again, I open my eyes and look around.
I see my kids crying in agony, my mom hysterical, my loved ones covered in blood.
They are screaming angrily: why, why, why… Don’t you know you are loved!
Was I… How come I forgot?!
I can’t believe what I did, why I did it, it seems so trivial now.
I see things clear, I see the aftermath of the things I’ve done and I can’t believe how selfish I was. Couldn’t see it like that then, I only saw this box where I was in, my cell.
A room in which I felt like I was nothing, not worthy of the air I breathe, despair was so big in that place.
There was no hope and no faith that things could ever be different.
It was all too much to carry.
I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved.
Everything was lost on my, nothing touched my heart anymore.
Not even the reasons of my existence could bring my back to feel feelings.
Now I get it… Suicide is not a solution!
It does not end pain, it gives it to others!